.

He would make a lovely corpse.

Charles Dickens (1812-1870)

I feel empty.

I don't know how to feel. It still hasn't fully sunk in. It probably won't for years and years. It never settles in. Death never does. Especially when it's from cancer. I don't think I want to feel again yet.

.

I am convinced the only people worthy of consideration in this world are the unusual ones. For the common folks are like the leaves of a tree, and live and die unnoticed.

L. Frank Baum (1856-1919)

I voyage to Vermont...

I leave tomorrow at 9 in the morn.
I will be in a minivan with all the DeMocker girls minus Katrina because that's who we're going to visit.
I expect the windshields to break from the noise we create.
They make me sound quiet at my loudest.
5 hours. 5 hours. 5 hours.


I am going to miss you so much. Three days isn't that long, we've been apart that long before, but this is the first time there is actually no way that we could be together.
Plus it is sucky timing. Both of us are having shitty days and days.
You gave me your sun glasses.
I love you so much. Gar.


Fen is my second mama and role model.


Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Shut up Wednesday.

I killed my dinner with karate.

I am stressed.
Terribly, terribly.

I'd just like to skip this awkward in between phase and be a grown up now please.





[I don't want to get old though. Oh contradicting states of mind..]

I don't even know.

Life is long.
And I am tired and I just want to sleep through these stupid parts.
Gar..
-----
Denny moved into his apartment today.
I have a 4 day weekend coming up.
I should be more excited but I work Saturday and Sunday, have jazz band on Monday and have driver's ed on Tuesday.
Gar gar gar gar gar.
-----
All I want to do is nap, cuddle, and do anything that involves music.
I want to be on my own or just out of my house for awhile.
-----
I think I'm going to start working out again.
I'm really tired of feeling weak and unhealthy.
-----
I should learn to sleep more. Or get a better work ethic.
Goodnight.

I need to shut up.

Stupid brain.
Stupid brain.
Stupid brain.

Fuck the PSAT and testing in general and this whole fucking system.
I want my fucking 504. All I need for these tests is more time, some quiet, and the ability to stretch with the occasional typing of essays.
Not a single phone call has been returned after 10 months.
I am on meds. There is no real testing that needs to be done that has not already been confirmed by a doctor.
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

I am so fucking behind. In everything. I am a fucking failure.
Fuck Junior year. Fuck college requirements. Fuck this system.