I am unsure.

I'm not sure how to feel lately. I feel like I'm in a dead zone and I don't know how to get out.

The sun finally came out, but it left me. Everything and everyone seems to do that. Once I get happy, comfortable, content even, they pull away. And I can't hold on.

I'm starting meds soon. For ADD I think. Maybe depression. Or it might have been anxiety. It was to hard for me to focus. I was to busy bathing in the warmth of the sun.

Why did you have to leave me again sunshine. You know I need you and your warming love, sprawled around me. Without you I can't function. I don't understand how I have even managed to last this long with out you.

I am scared. I don't want to loose myself, cloud up my mind. It's still not hitting me that what I have is an actual problem, and that I'm not just a whiny bitch.

I hate this empty feeling. I want someone, anyone who cares. I need affection and love. Something I can grow into and trust. Something comfortable so I don't have to follow the sun.

I never thought I would actually have such a large amount of problems. I thought the meds were for those people who wanted to die and cried for attention ... I never cry for attention. I hate it.

I wish someone, something real, would surround me. Teach me to love the way I should. Help me learn to trust. Wrap their arms around me and teach me to be strong, tech me to stay warm.

Have I always been like this? Such a mental mess? Something so confusing I don't know what is going on half the time? The pressure is so strong, I wish I could give in. I don't want to die. But it is getting so hard to live.

I don't want to end up being a burden. I just need something more then a friend. Something more then just an embrace.

I am scared.

I have opinions.

Things I Like:

• Singing
• Prancing and frolicking
  
• Cheesecake
• Sleeping
• Dresses
• Chapstick
• Mints
• Ukulele
• Hugs
• Kisses
• Comics
• Cute Babies
• My family
• Being a dweeb
  
• Showers.
  

Things I Dislike:

• Bad parenting
• Smelly people
• Dry skin and lips
• Not getting any
• Being an amazon
• My Belly
• Dumb hoes.
  
• ventriloquist dummies
• missing people
• not having rides
• Being denied a shower.
  

I just saw the Watchmen.
It was stellar.

Ray is a detective.

Hell weekend is long and tiring.
And even worse if you're a bit hung over.

I wish someone liked me.

I'm going to sneak in the shower.

I wish..

Last night, after playing Animal Crossing for two hours unable to sleep, I realized its been completely green there, all the snow melted, for two weeks. I suddenly got so frustrated because it is absolutely freezing here. I need the sun, the green, the pleasant out doors. I need fresh air.

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Everyone seems to know now that I have albino nipples. And it sure seems to interest a whole lot of people.
THEY REALLY AREN'T THAT EXCITING.

=====

I think I have a crush, which is quite exciting. It's not anything big and I doubt that he has any interest in me, but hey. It's pretty sweet. I haven't had a crush crush on anyone in a really long time. AND I get to see him all the time in school. Woot woot!

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Rehearsals are very long. And people really need to get their acts together. I'm really starting to get pissed off. If this show ends badly because of just a few people, I'm going to punch them.

=====

I need to get better the ukulele, and I want to start recording myself (and with ray) playing more so I can be a hip youtube ukulele player.

http://www.youtube.com/user/SookiAndTheStringRay
[Apparently SookiAndTheStingRays is to long for an account name...]

I giggle.

Today was Sammy's birthday party.
Robert and Ray helped me decorate.
We used electricity to stick balloons to the ceiling.
Then Zoe came.
And she painted everyone's face.
[I have a pink and purple snake mustache, Ray got a black swirly one. They're wicked sweet.]
Then Sooki and The String Rays played.
[All the kids think were wicked cool, or at least they think Ray is.]
Then we ate more food. Again.
And then Zoe left and it was sad.
And then Ray and Robert and I took a nap upstairs and basked in the sunlight of my room.
[It was silly.]
And then everyone left.

I love Post Secret.



We talked again the other night.
I wish you're girlfriend wasn't such a bitch.
I wouldn't have to think of you unhappy as much as I do.
Come back home.
I miss you.