.

He would make a lovely corpse.

Charles Dickens (1812-1870)

I feel empty.

I don't know how to feel. It still hasn't fully sunk in. It probably won't for years and years. It never settles in. Death never does. Especially when it's from cancer. I don't think I want to feel again yet.

.

I am convinced the only people worthy of consideration in this world are the unusual ones. For the common folks are like the leaves of a tree, and live and die unnoticed.

L. Frank Baum (1856-1919)

I voyage to Vermont...

I leave tomorrow at 9 in the morn.
I will be in a minivan with all the DeMocker girls minus Katrina because that's who we're going to visit.
I expect the windshields to break from the noise we create.
They make me sound quiet at my loudest.
5 hours. 5 hours. 5 hours.


I am going to miss you so much. Three days isn't that long, we've been apart that long before, but this is the first time there is actually no way that we could be together.
Plus it is sucky timing. Both of us are having shitty days and days.
You gave me your sun glasses.
I love you so much. Gar.


Fen is my second mama and role model.


Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Shut up Wednesday.

I killed my dinner with karate.

I am stressed.
Terribly, terribly.

I'd just like to skip this awkward in between phase and be a grown up now please.





[I don't want to get old though. Oh contradicting states of mind..]

I don't even know.

Life is long.
And I am tired and I just want to sleep through these stupid parts.
Gar..
-----
Denny moved into his apartment today.
I have a 4 day weekend coming up.
I should be more excited but I work Saturday and Sunday, have jazz band on Monday and have driver's ed on Tuesday.
Gar gar gar gar gar.
-----
All I want to do is nap, cuddle, and do anything that involves music.
I want to be on my own or just out of my house for awhile.
-----
I think I'm going to start working out again.
I'm really tired of feeling weak and unhealthy.
-----
I should learn to sleep more. Or get a better work ethic.
Goodnight.

I need to shut up.

Stupid brain.
Stupid brain.
Stupid brain.

Fuck the PSAT and testing in general and this whole fucking system.
I want my fucking 504. All I need for these tests is more time, some quiet, and the ability to stretch with the occasional typing of essays.
Not a single phone call has been returned after 10 months.
I am on meds. There is no real testing that needs to be done that has not already been confirmed by a doctor.
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

I am so fucking behind. In everything. I am a fucking failure.
Fuck Junior year. Fuck college requirements. Fuck this system.

I have no time.

Is it bad that I don't care when I'm not involved lately?
Before I at least got a pinch of envy when everyone would run off and do something and I wouldn't be invited. I felt forgotten.
I still feel forgotten, but it no longer bothers me. I love not being part of the constant drama of anger or nonsense. Even though I feel like I'm missing a part of high school, I do not need all that shit that goes on.
If people could just get together and nobody would whisper secretly to someone else for once I might make an effort to become social again, but every time I try people get started and I just want to scream and run away.

It would be nice to want to care.
I have my Denny. And my Patsy. And every now and then I talk to Zoe.
That's the best I'm going to do for awhile and I am sticking with it.

I want to know..

What the fuck happened to us.

I miss you guys..
You say you miss me too.
I haven't been able to even talk to you a tiny bit for a week or so.
And you're always running around constantly with him and other people "because you like hanging out with guys, like camp."

UGH.
I just want to be good enough as I am for someone.
I miss that feeling of being loved and accepted by someone who isn't blood related.

I just miss being in the loop.
Everyone has a Summer thing ready to go.
And I'm just here. It's weird and new and I don't like it.

I hate being lonely.

I am bored.

Hey look: http://wedinzo.tumblr.com/
YOU SHOULD MAKE ONE TOO!!!

I'm bored. And tired.
Nothing is happening in Animal Crossing Land...
I have the bears and they will be the death of me.
I have a job. At Play The Game, Read the Story. (I'm gonna get a discount now heh heh*snort*)

School sucks.
I still have alot of work to do for global.
I need to do an essay for marking period three, and a bunch of work for marking period four. Otherwise, I just failed that class...
shiiiiiiit.

I am terrible at posting.

I'm very busy (not doing anything) lately. That's why I haven't posted in a month or so maybe.
But these are the things coming up:

• My Birthday is on Thursday!?
• My tea/garden party is on Sunday!?
• I'M GOING TO PROM ON SATURDAY?!?!
• I have to get about 30 things of work done by Monday.
• I had call backs for Ragtime today.
• The cast list was just posted, I'm Brigit, the maid.

It hasn't even hit me that it's June yet. CrazyCrazyCrazy.

I just realized...

...there is absolutely no way I will ever get fully over those two...

I was once a loyal lover.

I love Death Cab for Cutie.
And Hans Christian Anderson.
And the sun.
And burritos.
And Ithaca.
And cuddling.
And I wish you liked me.

I like this.

"All the intelligence and talent in the world can't make a singer. The voice is a wild thing. It can't be bred in captivity. It is a sport, like the silver fox. It happens"

Willa Cather (1873-1947)

--------------------

I very much like this quote of the day thing.

I finally told.

Last night, I finally told my mom.

I am a DWEEB.

We talk more and more everyday.
And everyday I find out we like more and more of the same things.
Even the same crappy and strange shows.
And how we both get majorly distracted by the same things on wikipedia when trying to do homework.
Not to mention our compatible music tastes.

It's still just a crush.
...
Maybe.
...
I think.


:D

I feel gross.

I am very tired.
I do not like this 9 to 12 in the morning rehearsal thing all week.
And I feel like this a lot:

I was pissed.

Patrice shadowed me at school on Thursday. She came Wednesday night, so we got to cuddle and sleep together so I was happy. School was still school. But it was plus Patsy, which felt normal, but it wasn't, which obviously means that she belongs at Nottingham and that she should just get her ass over here already.
I had rehearsal so she went off with Zoe and I told them that I would text them when I was done so we could meet up or something of the sort.
At 5 15 or so I had finished so I sent a text to Zoe and she said Patsy was with Kathleen. I sent a text to Kathleen and didn't get a reply. I started walking home, still waiting for Kathleen to reply. I sent another one fifteen minutes later. Still no reply. The Gabbey picked me up as I was walking and drove me the rest of the way home. I got home.

"Wednesday. Where's Patrice. Her mom just called and she doesn't know where she is."
"She went of with Zoe but she's with Kathleen now apparently, but I have no clue where they are, Kathleen isn't responding to me."
"Well Patrice needs to call her mom, she sounded a little worried."

I sent a text to Kathleen then:
"Is Patrice with you? Where are you guys? Patrice needs to call her mom."
I still didn't get a reply. At this point I'm kinda starting to freak out. I have no clue where she went. Did something happen? Or is Kathleen just ignoring me to be a bitch? Then I asked Ray if she knew where she was was:
"Yeah. She's at the park with Kathleen I'm going to meet them now."
...I was pissed. Obviously Kathleen's phone had been working. She was texting ray. Then I called her.
"Is Patrice with you? I've been looking for her for over an hour."
"hahahahahaha oh yeah."
"Well she needs to come and call her mom. She's been looking for her."
"haahahHAHA We already called her awhile ago hahaha"
...are they fucking serious...
"Thanks for letting me know where you went"
"hahahahaaaa what?"
*click*

I was livid at this point. I had been looking for her and freaking out. And they didn't even have the decency to tell me where the fuck they were? It's not even like I wanted to hang out with them. I just wanted to know where the fuck she want because her mom had left her with me.
I get a text:
"Are you mad?!"
I honestly really don't like Kathleen.

I just layed in bed for the next three hours listening to Minus the Bear really loud and took a nap.
"Hey Patrice, just walked by the house with Kathleen I think. Are you guys meeting up?"
"Fuck no."
"...oh"
I just kept sleeping.

The next day I was still just frustrated. They still didn't get why I was frustrated. I went to Target with my mom. Patrice starts texting me asking me if she can get her stuff. I tell her I'm not home. Her mom is coming before I'm going to be home. No one is home, she should've gotten it yesterday instead of disappearing. That starts a tiff. She gets mad at me. I already didn't give a fuck. It went on. I just kept shopping. My mom makes me feel better because she understood that I was pissed and why I was and yeah. She agreed with me.

I get home. Go upstairs.
There's a note on my bed:
"Got my stuff. Love yous."

I didn't really care.

I am tired.

Robert's 18th birthday party was on friday night.
In conclusion:

• Spin the bottle gets crazy when you keep landing on the same person.
• I like kissing Dan Feilds.
• Dan Minton kisses necks really well.
• When both Dan's go at your neck it is crazzzyyyy.
• Ray and I basically have no sexual feeling towards each other.
• Zoe and I have known each other to long to kiss.
• I'm not good at scary movies.
• I really like hugging warm people and sleeping next to them.
• RAY AND ZOE ARE SUPER CUTE.
• This was the first time I had actually made out with someone really in like, three or four months and it was glorious.
  
• I'm going to miss Robert so freaking much when he leaves...

And because Gabbey was being a party pooper... There's a chance that none of us will be allowed at the Gorman house hold again...

Yesterday Ray came over for a little bit. We layed in bed and played ukulele. We talked and it was great. I love Raymond. Then Sammy came and joined us. It was still fun.

I talked to Travis the other night again.
Lucy has been talking to me on facebook. I actually really miss that girl. Even if she scares me.
I miss them. A lot.

I think I might try to flirt with him. But it will probably really backfire. So I probably won't, because I'm a wus.


I just want someone to cuddle with.

I have been lazy.

It's been a very very very long time since I last wrote here.

Jesus Christ Superstar went wonderful.

I'm on ADD meds. They are actually working quite well.

I got cast in Nunsense. I'm Amnesia.

I'm very excited.
(My dad isn't)

I'm crushing. So hard, so hard.
He's talking more to me now.
And now I'm even dreaming about him.
Oh, flutterflies...

Mr. Little accidentally made me cry the other day.
He felt really bad when he realized he was yelling at me for the wrong reasons...
So he's most likely giving me an incomplete for the marking period...
It's a long story...

I've kinda been keeping to myself lately.
Everyone else has kinda seemed to team up, and I just don't seem to make the pick.

I'm starting to get really tired of people making fun of me, or being assholes in general to me.
I've learned to deal with it so they don't get the satisfaction.
But it's not like it doesn't completely fuck with my self esteem or mood.
One of these days, I'm going to burst on someone and point out every flaw they have.
I don't care if they were joking or not.
I'm tired of taking this shit and not being a bitch back.

I honestly hate people.
I really, really do.

I am unsure.

I'm not sure how to feel lately. I feel like I'm in a dead zone and I don't know how to get out.

The sun finally came out, but it left me. Everything and everyone seems to do that. Once I get happy, comfortable, content even, they pull away. And I can't hold on.

I'm starting meds soon. For ADD I think. Maybe depression. Or it might have been anxiety. It was to hard for me to focus. I was to busy bathing in the warmth of the sun.

Why did you have to leave me again sunshine. You know I need you and your warming love, sprawled around me. Without you I can't function. I don't understand how I have even managed to last this long with out you.

I am scared. I don't want to loose myself, cloud up my mind. It's still not hitting me that what I have is an actual problem, and that I'm not just a whiny bitch.

I hate this empty feeling. I want someone, anyone who cares. I need affection and love. Something I can grow into and trust. Something comfortable so I don't have to follow the sun.

I never thought I would actually have such a large amount of problems. I thought the meds were for those people who wanted to die and cried for attention ... I never cry for attention. I hate it.

I wish someone, something real, would surround me. Teach me to love the way I should. Help me learn to trust. Wrap their arms around me and teach me to be strong, tech me to stay warm.

Have I always been like this? Such a mental mess? Something so confusing I don't know what is going on half the time? The pressure is so strong, I wish I could give in. I don't want to die. But it is getting so hard to live.

I don't want to end up being a burden. I just need something more then a friend. Something more then just an embrace.

I am scared.

I have opinions.

Things I Like:

• Singing
• Prancing and frolicking
  
• Cheesecake
• Sleeping
• Dresses
• Chapstick
• Mints
• Ukulele
• Hugs
• Kisses
• Comics
• Cute Babies
• My family
• Being a dweeb
  
• Showers.
  

Things I Dislike:

• Bad parenting
• Smelly people
• Dry skin and lips
• Not getting any
• Being an amazon
• My Belly
• Dumb hoes.
  
• ventriloquist dummies
• missing people
• not having rides
• Being denied a shower.
  

I just saw the Watchmen.
It was stellar.

Ray is a detective.

Hell weekend is long and tiring.
And even worse if you're a bit hung over.

I wish someone liked me.

I'm going to sneak in the shower.

I wish..

Last night, after playing Animal Crossing for two hours unable to sleep, I realized its been completely green there, all the snow melted, for two weeks. I suddenly got so frustrated because it is absolutely freezing here. I need the sun, the green, the pleasant out doors. I need fresh air.

=====

Everyone seems to know now that I have albino nipples. And it sure seems to interest a whole lot of people.
THEY REALLY AREN'T THAT EXCITING.

=====

I think I have a crush, which is quite exciting. It's not anything big and I doubt that he has any interest in me, but hey. It's pretty sweet. I haven't had a crush crush on anyone in a really long time. AND I get to see him all the time in school. Woot woot!

=====

Rehearsals are very long. And people really need to get their acts together. I'm really starting to get pissed off. If this show ends badly because of just a few people, I'm going to punch them.

=====

I need to get better the ukulele, and I want to start recording myself (and with ray) playing more so I can be a hip youtube ukulele player.

http://www.youtube.com/user/SookiAndTheStringRay
[Apparently SookiAndTheStingRays is to long for an account name...]

I giggle.

Today was Sammy's birthday party.
Robert and Ray helped me decorate.
We used electricity to stick balloons to the ceiling.
Then Zoe came.
And she painted everyone's face.
[I have a pink and purple snake mustache, Ray got a black swirly one. They're wicked sweet.]
Then Sooki and The String Rays played.
[All the kids think were wicked cool, or at least they think Ray is.]
Then we ate more food. Again.
And then Zoe left and it was sad.
And then Ray and Robert and I took a nap upstairs and basked in the sunlight of my room.
[It was silly.]
And then everyone left.

I love Post Secret.



We talked again the other night.
I wish you're girlfriend wasn't such a bitch.
I wouldn't have to think of you unhappy as much as I do.
Come back home.
I miss you.

I like to..

[I have no life...]

Rules:
Google Game: Go to Google and type in quotation marks your real name and then "likes to" (ex. "Steven likes to").
Type in the first 15 things that come up and repost.
Google picture it and post the first picture the come up with it.

1.} Wednesday likes to brush my hair.
2.} Wednesday likes to sneak in to beds
3.} Wednesday likes to swim
4.} Wednesday likes to act like a puppy to around Georgia, but she acts like the mama around me.
5.} Wednesday likes to say her and I are co-dependent when it comes to exercise.
6.} Wednesday likes to do my make-up.
7.} Wednesday likes to lick his friends and thinks he is a puppy
8.} Wednesday, likes to keep busy
9.} Wednesday, likes to be called
10.} Wednesday likes to play them very loud when she's angry or upset

11.} Wednesday likes to eat stu-pid people.
12.} Wednesday likes to climb under the covers at night and curl up next to me and purr her head off.
13.} Wednesday likes to stay in character but I catch her out sometimes as she does me.
14.} Wednesday likes to sit on things
15.} Wednesday likes to run around with a pale face in black clothes ... so VERY 80s ...

I agree..

Today, has been a year since Peter Pan.
I laughed, A LOT.

And this website gives me a tiny bit of hope, and makes me giggle:
http://www.fmylife.com/
"Today, My girlfriend came from behind me and put her hand in my back pockets. I though it was someone trying to take my wallet, I elbowed her in the nose and broke it. FML"

That is so something I would end up doing...

I no longer can get to sleep before 2 am.

I DON'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH MS. NOTTINGHAM ANYMORE.

I've gotten a good amount of hugs today. It's nice.

I had another blow up today. I really need to get my anger problems together. I still have a huge headache.

I haven't really kissed anyone in over a month.

I've been playing Animal Crossing on my DS for the past 2 hours.
Damn Savannah got a freaking 88.2 in tuna during the fishing tourney.
I'm going to go shake some trees.

ps. Antarctica aint shit.

I love Sunday's.

I'm going to post my Favorite every Sunday.



I love PostSecret.

I like pancakes..

And ice cream cake.
And Godzilla.



WINNING COMBINATION.

I get money.

I'm babysitting again tonight.
woot woot.

And I'm pretty sure my Swede is coming home impure..
:(

And Sam gets way to into video games.
It's so funny.

I have a lot of stuff going on.

I have a lot on my mind.

My brother is a freak. And I hate how he gets angry and jumpy and scratchy. I have so many scars from him. And yesterday when Patsy was here I barely got to hang out with her because of him. Pisses me off.

I love Patrice. And the fact that we no longer notice when were naked around each other. She's the love of my life and we're going to have babies together maybe if we can.

I really really wish you didn't move. Even though we wouldn't be dating, I really miss having you around as a friend. You really were one of my bests.

I really need to make out with someone.

If I had the chance to date you again, I probably would take it. I have come to realize that I really did love you and I'm sorry that I got stupid, and I hate my problems for blocking you out.

I have no life.

I never really did love you. And I'm happy that I never said it. I rushed into things with you because I thought it would help me get over him. But it didn't. Sorry.

Peanut butter, nutella, banana sandwiches are so good.

Mental problems suck ass, and my mom is insisting I have ADD or something. So now I have to get tested. And I have another Doctor Bob appointment on Wednesday.

I really want to watch star wars.

Let's make out.

I really need to get my grades up or I'm going to fail life.

I like my hair short. An red.

I really wish I was better at the ukulele.

And I guess I'm playing with Ray at an open mic tonight. Let's hope we don't suck.

I miss you.

Quite a lot.
You've been gone for way to long.
And I'm sorry.

I suck.

I hate panic.

I hate depression.

I hate freaking out.

I hate this sickness.

Fuck my life.

I am a nerd.

Plain and simple. I am a dork, a nerd, a dweeb. There's no denying it anymore. Star Wars, comics, I love them all.

The other day at school i was behind some kids in the lunch line. They're talking about Star Wars, Return of the Jedi (my favorite one by the by) and for some reason they keep calling the ewoks, ewous. This pisses me off like crazy, because they legit thinks that what they're called. So finally, after listening to their incorrectness for about five minutes, I simply say, "Ewoks. They're called ewoks." And with that, they just stare at me like I'm completely crazy. After 30 long seconds of awkwardness, they finally turn around and cease to talk about Star Wars again.

After I sat down, I realized what a complete nerd i actually am, and how in fact I'm completely okay with that. I love how my dad raised me on Star Wars, and superheros, and comics, and all that other great stuff. How now I have comics actually on my computer so I can read them at will. And how now i actually have a monitor that flips so I can see the whole page at once.

I'm actually almost done with the Sandman series, and it kinda break my heart, but I know as soon as I'm done, I get to start reading Death. And then I'm getting my hands on more Gaiman and be the biggest happy dork ever.

And then I'll finish reading the Watchmen.

So in conclusion, I want baby ewok with almost every ounce of me. They are the cutest and most adorable things I have ever seen.

I love my Brother.

I wandered into his room last night...



He's pretty.

I really love him.

Extra Credit.

I wrote this for extra credit in English a couple of months ago. Mid November to be exact. It was mostly an anger rant.
----------------

You've been gone for over a month now. The hate I had for you has settled, finally. Now I am starting to see that I should have said goodbye.
I tried to talk to you a few weeks ago. It started out fine, but then you started blaming me, accusing me of causing the sorrow in your life. That's when we stopped talking again.
It turns out you are getting along decently. I'm glad. You're in a band already. I'm glad. You're in your school plays getting the parts you didn't get here. I'm happy for you. You have a new girlfriend, and you know what? I couldn't care less. I have someone too.
But yesterday. Out of nowhere, you tried talking to me. How was I supposed to react. Honestly, you told me to not speak to you until I apologized to you. Then you expect me to have an interest in the fact that you just finally met your father?
Well, I do care that you finally met him, it was something you always wanted to do. But the second I asked what caused you to talk to me again, I get no reply. It's just like you to decide to do that. To cut someone out because they know the real you.
If there was one thing I could ask you, it would be if she knows that you're bipolar. If your whole new group of friends know what a liar you are. If any of them have stood by your side during one of your meltdowns, or breakdowns, or any of that shit I went through for you.
You were my labor of love. Don't you ever forget that.
And yes, I do wish I could have said goodbye.

I really don't like this.

School sucks.

I just failed chemistry miserably. I did crappy in English, the only class i ever do good in. I'm barely average in world history. I'm pretty sure my GPA is around a 70 this marking period and my parents are going to flip a bitch.

All I can do is listen to music and sit and do nothing. And drink orange with massive amounts of ice.

Blahzors.